The Wading Pool

Trust and  Faith.

Both are things that I, as a Christian, am supposed to have.  Not in myself, mind you, but in the God Who created me, called me, saved me, and is molding me into His image every day.  They are words that depict the childlike and confidence I should have in Jesus.

But if I’m honest, I’m really squeezing the mustard seed most days.  And it’s a tiny seed.

If I’m honest, I bandied about the words “trust” and “faith” rather easily when I was making fairly good money in the sales game.  I was often heard talking about the “goodness of God” and how God had “blessed me” (not denying those facts…just read on), and how if we just trust Him, He will provide all our needs.  Yeah, I probably irked the mess out of many friends and acquaintances who weren’t quite as “blessed” as me.

So, fast forward to today.  Major career change, into a job that I love deeply (most of the time) and really enjoy, yet get paid a far less amount that I once earned in sales.  Gone are the days of my boasting of the goodness of God and His blessings.  If I’m honest, at least the frequency of those claims have been greatly reduced, if not their outright absence.  They’ve been replaced by periods of financial tightening and prayer.  Lots of prayer.  Lots and lots and lots of prayer.

But as I sit and type this, I realize that my old boasting was not in my Lord.  It was not in the Cross.  It was not in what God had done for me.  No.  I was boasting in me.  I was boasting in wealth and riches.  I was boasting in success in the business world, instead of boasting in my utter dependence on the One Who carries me each and every day.  You see, it’s easy to claim faith and blessing when everything is going smooth.  Anybody can do that.  But what do you do when the rubber meets the road, when you have to “give faith wings” as Rich Mullins once sang?

To be honest, I’ve wilted a lot the past year or so during this transition.  On the one hand, I can so clearly see God’s hand and guidance in everything.  And believe me, He has blessed us!  A house to live in, a bonus here, a gift there, an unexpected refund, an invitation to dinner, a free movie, and so many other things.  I can truly say “I’ve been blessed.”

But, if I’m even more honest, I don’t always feel that way.  Deep within, there is a smidge of “name it and claim it, blab it and grab it” prosperity gospel that keeps rearing its ugly head.  I don’t want to admit it, but it’s true.  I must admit that I very often wonder why God hasn’t blessed me MORE than He has.  As if I deserve anything anyway.  Why isn’t there more money at the end of the month?  Why can’t we do the things others get to do?  Why this?  Why that?  You get the picture.

Bottom line:  is He God or not?  Has He suddenly forgotten me or my family?  Has He given up on me?

No.  He hasn’t.

So I’m going to try to keep trusting.  I’m going to try and keep squeezing my little mustard seed of faith.  And I’m going to believe His promises are all yes and amen.